Its been a while since I've written anything in here. in my defense, its been a while since I was bored enough (so many things you can do on Facebook), plus the fact that I left my home about 3 months ago....
It felt longer than that...
This is actually the longest I've gone without seeing my family. Before, back home, I always wanted to get away from them (that's terrible!!), for certain reasons (how can a reason even exist?!!) that I will type now (please do)...
One could say that I have perfect parents. Its not just me, they really are perfect. Even my aunts send my cousins to like with us so that my parents (more of my mom's job) can "fix" them, and they did end up being good people. So whats the problem?
Even I don't know at first. It was like I don't feel anything towards them. I didn't realize it until i reflected on it during puberty (other people had more serious puberty issues, but not me!!). That's cuz only at that time that i start to even care about my like. Being in a hostel helps (a lot actually).
When I realized this, I started trying. Apparently, people notice ( by 'people', i mean 2 persons) this change. But the feeling of love still didn't come to me. I can pretend to an extent where nobody suspected a thing, but it was still a play. At one point, I consulted a counsellor (these were dreaded in my school) and she told me that I had too much love (is that even possible?!) and no family problems.
So its not like I don't feel it, its just that...my receive their love as much as I can breath, to the point that I cant even think about it. The metaphor explains to an extent, but a better word would be "immune" to their love.
I didn't think this condition could even exists, but there I was, about to go thousands of miles overseas alone, and I still don't feel a thing.
A few days before, my boyfriend told me that I'll get it when I don't see them anymore(far away)...If overseas is not far enough, then i don know what is...
And, as he expected, much to my demise (he keeps rubbing it in my face), that he was right. After a month or so, I only missed home. Not specifically my family, but my country, but not as a country, but of its comfort. The nice weather, my friends, my "dates", the food, and stable Internet (i miss this one the most), and my boyfriend...
But now (13/2/11 4:02 am), with my brother having issues with his girlfriend/fiance/future-sister-in-law-that-i-dont-even-know, and he's emotional as ever, I have never missed my family this much in my entire 19-year-old life. I've never seen (facebooked) my brother like this, and I was very worried to the point of calling home the instant I saw his page. And reading his earlier posts before the critical ones (before i realized the problem) almost made me book a flight back home that instant....
as this is a historical moment for me, I will quote his words...
I hope he's OK. He's a person I look up to the most, and he's the only family member that I trust to tell anything. Not that i don't trust my parents. Its just that I know they'll worry too much about me if I tell them the truth, so I always lie to them about these thing. It means that I care for them deeply, which makes my problems before non-existent.
I had loved them, I just didn't see it to feel it....
It felt longer than that...
This is actually the longest I've gone without seeing my family. Before, back home, I always wanted to get away from them (that's terrible!!), for certain reasons (how can a reason even exist?!!) that I will type now (please do)...
One could say that I have perfect parents. Its not just me, they really are perfect. Even my aunts send my cousins to like with us so that my parents (more of my mom's job) can "fix" them, and they did end up being good people. So whats the problem?
Even I don't know at first. It was like I don't feel anything towards them. I didn't realize it until i reflected on it during puberty (other people had more serious puberty issues, but not me!!). That's cuz only at that time that i start to even care about my like. Being in a hostel helps (a lot actually).
When I realized this, I started trying. Apparently, people notice ( by 'people', i mean 2 persons) this change. But the feeling of love still didn't come to me. I can pretend to an extent where nobody suspected a thing, but it was still a play. At one point, I consulted a counsellor (these were dreaded in my school) and she told me that I had too much love (is that even possible?!) and no family problems.
So its not like I don't feel it, its just that...my receive their love as much as I can breath, to the point that I cant even think about it. The metaphor explains to an extent, but a better word would be "immune" to their love.
I didn't think this condition could even exists, but there I was, about to go thousands of miles overseas alone, and I still don't feel a thing.
A few days before, my boyfriend told me that I'll get it when I don't see them anymore(far away)...If overseas is not far enough, then i don know what is...
And, as he expected, much to my demise (he keeps rubbing it in my face), that he was right. After a month or so, I only missed home. Not specifically my family, but my country, but not as a country, but of its comfort. The nice weather, my friends, my "dates", the food, and stable Internet (i miss this one the most), and my boyfriend...
But now (13/2/11 4:02 am), with my brother having issues with his girlfriend/fiance/future-sister-in-law-that-i-dont-even-know, and he's emotional as ever, I have never missed my family this much in my entire 19-year-old life. I've never seen (facebooked) my brother like this, and I was very worried to the point of calling home the instant I saw his page. And reading his earlier posts before the critical ones (before i realized the problem) almost made me book a flight back home that instant....
as this is a historical moment for me, I will quote his words...
i love you, Zaini Morad,dear mom.dad doesn't have facebook so please let him know i love him too.you are the awesomest of parents.i shall make you both proud.Sarah Bubblers, Amin Nima i want to hug u both right now,with sofiah in the middle and the cats at our feet.group hug on the next family dinner!reading it again makes me even more sad...
I hope he's OK. He's a person I look up to the most, and he's the only family member that I trust to tell anything. Not that i don't trust my parents. Its just that I know they'll worry too much about me if I tell them the truth, so I always lie to them about these thing. It means that I care for them deeply, which makes my problems before non-existent.
I had loved them, I just didn't see it to feel it....
No comments:
Post a Comment