Dear Brother

P/s: this post is written in a letter format

Dear Brother,

Its been almost 19 years we've been together. We shared good memories as we grew up. Bitter and sweet. Mostly being scolded by mom. But sweet. I always thought you were cool. Still is. Everything I do is just a failed attempt to be like you. You had many friends. You have great fashion sense. You even look good. You were my goal as I grew up. Every time I achieve something you didn't, I always screamed in my heart, and being hyper happy all day long. My only success so far is at academics. I wont be rubbing anything in.

As I grew up, I also developed my own personality due to reaching my puberty and teenage life at SDAR. In the package comes also a different way of thinking. It gave be sights on things that I never noticed before. And the first thing I notice is that we are totally different. The way we talk, joke, wear, think, see, even interests.

I find myself having much difficulty talking to you. I dont want you to think that I'm not cool. Its the same problem with all my family members. I dont feel that bond of eternal family/friendship. I know its there. I can see what it makes them do. I even notice myself doing it. But I just dont feel it. I find myself beeing all hypocrite to you and our family. Saying what you want to hear, doing what you want me to do, respond the way I should respond. All half heartedly. I dont even know why.

Since you've been studying in Singapore, I have seen much less of you (same to you). But when you came to do internship at Batu Caves, I didnt know how to respond. I was not happy, but scared that you will find out who I really am. I was scared that I could keep my posture when you're that close. You acted like a true brother, and I acted like one, but my heart didnt.

I still think you're the closest person to a celebrity that I know of. And I still am trying to be you. I try to talk like you (resulting in my very weird way of talking), dress like you (borrowing your cloths and wearing baggy pants), and be more social like you (hence the more friendly act).  Upon writing this I could say, that I love you as a brother and a family... but I dont think I can repeat myself anytime I wanted to.

My brother, imagination eye version

Apparently, I got custody of the car for another week. I think I pissed my brother off.

Happad

My hamster just gave birth to what I thought was 4, but turned out to be 4 and a half. By half I mean half eaten by the mom like a big pink gummy bear. It is not something you would like to see. I was fortunate that mine was a gummy bear...

not pictured, fortunate gummy bear

I am supposed to be happy about this. I am. But not that happy. Its like not happy enough. Emotional weirdness is not something I like. I n fact, its very sad to know that you cant feel what others feel. Its so sad, that I don't even know what to say about the matter anymore. Being sad is like, not being happy. Or in some genetic conditions, co-dominance of happy and sad. Happad or Sappy.

"Sappy"

On another note, This week, specifically on Monday, I had my MUET speaking test. It was really fun. Sarcastically speaking. It didn't go well during the individual parts. I repeated a lot of parts ("spend", "most", "time" repeated in any order for 2 minutes). But during the group discussion I had too much fun (if that is even possible). I smiled a lot, and didn't even look serious. I think the invigilators even giggled at my unseriousness.

invigilator's actual picture

In time with the MUET test, I got the opportunity to borrow my mom's Kancil to Shah Alam. I was a little bit too enthusiastic about it. I find myself looking for reasons to drive the car. Being the oil-saving-awesome car it is, it gave me no problems to quench my thirst. I got bloated of it. No I don't. Sad thing is, my brother wants to use the car from Saturday onwards for work. In other words, this may be the last 7 days I even have a chance of owning the car. I understand how no one could resist it,

....Perodua Kancil....

but he had it before for months. I just want it at least until my mid-semester exams are over. Now I find myself driving senselessly at night, going to a different 7-E every night.

Kampung

Yesterday I went on a trip to my dads Kampung in Sabak Bernam. I was supposed to be the co-driver, but I dedicated myself to sleeping all the way there. But I'm not an evil guy whos term 'teman' means just being there without doing nothing (or am I)(I am). Its just that for those who know me, unless I get some adrenaline in my blood at the moment(s), I am very sleepy in a car (any comfortable vehicle actually)(bas MSU not on the list of 'confortable'). So I slept all the way there, but drove all the way back.

Anyway, this is not a story of the trip. Its the story of my kampung(s). As most of you people out there know, the minimum number of hometowns(kampung) is 1, and the normal number is 2(for each parent). This part of being normal I dont mind(do I?), because it means that my parents are happy(seriously, dont I mind?). Anyway, my mom's is in Sungai Petani, Kedah, and my dad's is in the aforementioned Sabak Bernam, Selangor.
Oh, wait, both of my granddads passed away before I could remember them, one before I was born, one a few days after I was born. This is also another normal thing that I dont mind(BECAUSE ITS NOT NORMAL)(and I'm really sad about it my whole life). I keep hearing about how great they were....

Back to topic, my mom's mom was and is a farmer of paddy. Every morning she rides a bike to the field, work the field(s), and return in the afternoon. Even then, she still has a small(mpv sized) kebun in front of her house. By her house, I mean the house that she merged with her 2nd eldest son, my Pak Lang,'s house. She speaks Kedah(of coures) but usually speak normal malay with us.

My dad's mom was a.... she is a..... I dont even know what she does everyday(!). In my early years, she live in a house quite far back, surrounded by an actual forest(kinda like a swamp forest). The floor creeks on each step, and we never dared to run it for even with a jog with our weight(7 years old, maybe around 20kg), seems like an seismic instability resonance activator(in normal people terms, 'can bring the house down'). But there were chicken, and we loved playing(more like torture) with the chicks(aspiring playboy training). But then the owner of a house near it(its lawn is our only path to our front porch) died. Then somehow, the next time we visited, my grandma moved to that house. This one was fun. It cant handle the run but we can still jog on it. It was bigger. And it had more chicks (nice...). But some years before, when I was in secondary school, the house was demolished and replaced with a stone house that seems to be incomplete, even after it was completed. My grandma speaks jawe. So does my dad. But not us. My grandma rarely speak usual malay, and we always had a hard time understanding her. If chinese was a full trottle ferrari, jawe was a concord. In rare moments, if you observe hard enough, you can anctually see her breaking the sound barrier.

In truth, we loved both kampungs equally when we were around primary school. I truth, we prefer Kedah than Sabak when we were in secondary school. In truth, we dont prefer Sabak now. Its sad. We always liked Sabak for the awesome number of chicks, but with the new house ( the stone one), it all went away, and Kedah finally ranked top on the list (of two)

Nowadays we rarely go to Sabak. Only on occasions where my dad went for a visit (like yesterday) and a pit-stop on our journey to Kedah. Its not even fun anymore. And who wouldnt prefer the kampung that you can actually sleep in and understand the language. Sabak on the other hand was like mars (the not edible one). You cant survive a day there, you need a humartian (human+martian=dad) as a tour guide, and the resident break the lingual sound barrier on a daily basis. Just like real martians.

grandma coming through!!

Anyway, as much as Sabak gave me a wonderful childhood (I regret to confirm), it does not now...

Now a song for the lost of Mars(the village, not the bar) in my heart....

Oh ya, song is subject to imagination.

Note to Self

From Amin, to Amin...

Do not jump off a stair in public (they dont care, but your sandals do)

Wake at least one hour before the bus arrives (or earlier)

Always have breakfast (no matter the cost)(WAIT, BUY CHEAP ONES!!!)

You dont like Hakim (the restaurant)(and the work)

Figure out why you use the sambal of Sup Utara as gravy (WHY THE HECK???!!!!)

Dont splash water on someone (NO MATTER HOW CRAZY YOU ARE!!!!)

Care what Azizi and azam thinks about cleanliness (azizi about food, azam about housekeeping)(THEY ARE NEVER WRONG!!!)

Buy a facewasher

Drink soy to grow hair

Grow hair at all cost

KEEP IT at all cost

Get to INDIA at all cost

Be close to that person at all costs

All costs should be moderated

Say thank you to everyone that helps you

U80 bus comes around every 45 minutes

Be 30 minutes early

If you sleep pantsless, makee sure u wea a blanket (cold morning)

Go jogging (u need it)(and the 'view' is nice (>.<)) 

 Do push-ups every morning (to cover up your surprisinfly visible ribs) 

 

Buy Ahmad Hafiz a kit kat 

 

Buy Safwan and Fidot chocolates 

 

Buy presents for Rono and Paul 

 

Deliver the presents to Rono and Paul 

 Ask for their addresses first 

 

When you realize that you hate your parents because they are the same as you, completely forget the though...if not, your better of dead. 

 

Anyway, I have this habit of talking to myself. Who else knows you better? Who else is always there for you? I have this habit of saying "Note to self, ....." a lot. I usually forget then in the next 5 minutes, but the above are some that are important enough for me to remember. Talking to myself makes me who I am now. I have this inferiority complex where unless someone is against it, I think that anything I do is hated by everyone. Lately(the past 3 years), this problem was covered by my fortunate scoring of the whole year of form 5 and SPM. Since, people have been thinking me as a genius or something(NOT TRUE!!!),and thus, the inferiority complex is repelled. But now, with a lot smaller community (OMG mara!!! what happened?), and exam scores cant help me (or can it?...), Its coming back. Thus develops a new personality of Amin, or was it just the real one? 

Anyway, these good people somehow made me more confident. I usually establish a crush every time I enter a new community as a motivation and strive for that person, but my whole class made me feel very happy, and I appreciate that. 

Then again...my crush is still my motivation (its always the good ones), and I find myself studying when I see my crush studying. 

The feeling is still there, and as we are together and I understand more, the feeling grows. 

Thanks.

Dreams

ITS ANOTHER WEIRD DREAM!!!! SARCASTIC YAAAYYY!!!!

It actually happened 2 days ago. I had too hard of a time fighting my desire to do absolutely nothing (ruined by the promise of future fame and wealth).

Like any of your dreams, I cant actually remember how it started. I can only remember the most interesting (a.k.a weird) part of it. As mentioned in the previous sentence, I don't even know how it started, so I,m just going to tell you key points.

First scene: CANT REMEMBER!!! Dreams are the world that science practically base its aims on, but it comes with a forget-90-percent-of-it feature (totally unnecessary if you ask me. But then if it wasn't there, we would sleep all day now wont we? (not that we're not already).

Back to the point, the first part consist of somehow (?) me being somewhere (?!) with someone(?!!!!!!!!!!)(oh wait, I did remember, but don't wanna tell). Now that I'm writing this at this time, it seem like we were alone with a lake-like background (Shah Alam?). The only part that I remember is when that someone(still not telling) actually told me to stay away from him (in an annoyed kind of way), with me keep bugging everyday (ogling, staring, you know what I mean)(or do you now...). Then again, maybe it was just plain anger. Then againX2, I think we were on a 'kayak'. OH MY GOD!!! IT WAS THE KAYAKING, that would have happened today (damn you rain)(P/s:I still like rain). I just realized as writing this that maybe I was seeing the future!!!! (0.0). Just maybe.... I should post my dreams earlier....

Anyway, the next scene, somehow, I was going into a fight with someone (I really don't know this one), a guy, but then after what i don't even recall, we both turned into girls, the scene was suddenly my seremban house living room, and I was talking about my past, as if to explain why I was picking a fight. Kinda like cliche part of a manga (who the heck pause a fight to talk!!!). Then when we actually fight, it wasn't normal, but the pain was at normal body parts. At this point of my life, pain in dreams are already common. But this time, when I woke up to the call of subuh (thx mus), my left arm, the one last injured in the dream fight, was actually paralyzed for 5 minutes. It was not that it was holding my body weight (I checked immediately), or some kind of super power coming after a radioactive mosquito bite (still checking)(been checking since I discovered the wonders of television). I still don't know, even after typing it.

What I'm trying to say here, is that my last two dreams are feeling more realistic. It's actually scaring me. Who in their right mind wouldn't?(Einstein?).

Then again...

Still, without it, It would make me something like this...

Relativity and Stereotypes

When describing something or someone, we use what the English language calls 'adjective'. It is a work that represents a criteria of a person. We often use these words in our daily life, speaking or not...

But what people do not realize is that almost all adjectives are not actually a word for a specific trait. All adjectives are 'comparing' words. What I'm trying to say is that adjectives are directly determined by the most common trait in humans.

For an example, in Malaysia, the height of 170cm is 'normal' for male. Any higher of a number will be called tall and the opposite will be called short. But in the USA, 180cm is the 'normal' so most Malaysians will be referred to as short.

What I'm trying to point out here is that we only judge people with what we usually see. We all have the gift by god of being a 'one of a kind'. So why are we clumping a lot of people together in adjective categories? Is it so fun to be the same like everybody else, do what other people do and ignoring your own preference. Your only comfort is the little things that you do like how you eat, personal secret habits, the ignored preference, or maybe your boobs or penile size.

If you think about it, you should be ashamed to be this so called 'normal'. Everyone has a different specific goal in earth life, but why must we take the same route. Taking a different route doesn't mean you will be alone. There is this thing called "The Universal Rule of Universe", and one of them is 'nobody is alone'.

Lumping people together (stereotyping) just because they are the same race of from the same country is wrong. Just because some(most) Malays are lazy, some Chinese are dirty, some Indians are rude, and some Muslim are terrorists, DOES NOT MEAN THAT ALL OF THEM ARE.

As a summary, i would like to quote;

"IT'S OKAY TO BE WEIRD, IT'S WEIRD IF YOU'RE NOT"

Occational non-lazy swings

La st nite I dreamed that i had a fever so hot that I burned myself when I touched my own arm. Then when I woke up, I was actually in a bed (not mine) and totaly healthy and not hot, a bit cold actually. It amazes how in the dream, the fever felt very real. When I woke up for Subuh (thx alot Amad), i came to fear that it was a sign of hell in the future, the actual hell.

So it inspired me to do something that actually count as not wasting time. So I read the book that I bought at Kinokuniya the day before. I read it all morning and got through 200 wonderful pages of the thriller novel. I stopped purposely at 12 and bath, planning to go straight to lunch at Sup Utare, pray at the surau, and do some assignments.

But then, Sup Utare wasnt open, and i went for plan D, sardines and bread for lunch. I put the sardines in a water bath. In the process of waiting, i was somewhat forced to clear the sink in order to actually have lunch. It actually angered me enought that they didnt clean up yesterday even after my mom actually made lunch for them. I AM REALLY ANGRY!!! Still pissed till this post, but with more patience with time. Eventually I end up cleaning the whole sink of ignored garbage and unattended containers, and even took out the trash. All out of anger.Then I ate, while watching How I Met your Mother and got addicted till 4, then I prayed. Then I felt like doing the research at night, so i went downstairs, briefly watched some crappy Bleach episode, and slept at Jojo's room.

I woke up at 7 to pray and ate diner and continued reasearching. But then I sidetracked,a nd my browser got stuck. So I went downstairs and continued reading my novel for 100 more pages on Zizie's bed (doubled now),till at around 2 when i actually get ready for bed.

Now I'm sleeping late writing this post. The dream the nite before really bugged me till now. And the fact that I usually do good deeds out of a wrong feeling (envy, anger, selfish, fame, impressing). The fact that although I keep doing the little good deeds everyday, I dont do the major ones as often.

YOU CAN ONLY FEEL GUILTY, IF YOU REALLY ARE...